Wednesday, August 13, 2014

August 13, 2014: What To Do?

Its been over 2 years since the 2nd appeal I sent to Kaiser Permanente to get Dr. Edwards II to do my surgery in Baltimore was rejected. Apparently there are doctors in KP that can provide the same service as Dr. Edwards II. But that doesn't make sense to me, since I was told by my  KP doctor that he has never seen my condition before and the doctor they would get from California also has never seen my condition and they would be doing a vertebrectomy.

I am in a dilemma. I'm thinking of trying to get KP to reconsider my surgery with Dr. Edwards II. But I feel like that means I'm not trusting God to heal me all the way. I mean, He has healed my pain. Why wouldn't He heal the deformity as well?

So what do I do when the answer isn't obvious? I go to my mom, my rock. After a long talk I have decided to keep trying to get this surgery. Maybe God wants to heal me through surgery. And if not, then KP will keep denying my appeals.

So my first step is to reconnect with Dr. Edwards II and to get this ball rolling. Wish me luck!

August 13, 2014: My Image

No! Its the middle of August and I've only lost 10 pounds! Not enough to see a difference. *pout*
Still have 23 lbs left to lose to reach my goal.

Its always been a problem. Weight loss. I used to have fast metabolism and since I couldn't
exercise or run around because of my back problem, that metabolism was a huge blessing!
But as I got older (after high school) my metabolism slowed and the pounds slowly began to pack

I've always been self-conscious of my body because of the square-shape my back forced me to have. And because my upper torso is pulled down I have a pile of skin around my waist that makes me look a bit overweight. So gaining weight was salt on an open wound. Its so hard to overcome that self-consciousness when I have 2 physically fit roommates.

But I must overcome it!! I hate constantly feeling down about myself.

How do I do that? In a world where I am constantly reminded about what the "perfect body" is. In a living space where its constantly shoved in my face by the presence of my roommates. Always exercising, always going for runs, always eating healthy. I really want to be healed. To feel better about myself. Yes, image isn't everything... but its still something...