November 18, 2014: A Wrench In My Plan

I saw Dr. Jenkins again a month ago. I sought from him approval of surgery from Dr. Edwards II. Again, my pleas fell upon deaf ears. He again told me that KP can offer the same type of surgery. (Even went as far as drawing me another simple drawing explanation of his surgery). I tried to tell him that they were in fact very different. But he didn't seem to grasp that bit of information.

My oldest sister (who could talk a fish out of water) and my mom went with me as my back-up negotiators. Now, don't get me wrong, I love, love, love my mom. The only problem is that she doesn't understand that there are certain things that you don't tell certain people. This has led to multiple awkward situations that we now tease her about. One mistake my mom made in this certain situation was trying to tell a analytical man to feel the pain of a mother’s heartache in seeing one of her children with a painful condition and wanting the best for said child. But this medical expert only wants to hear scientific, medical facts. My mom’s words of sorrow clicked the off-button to this calculating machine. Also mentioning that if we did go with KP and the surgery goes bad, that she would blame, BLAME KP. Guess what a doctor translates the word “blame” into? Sue. In his ears my mom was threatening a lawsuit. That’s not how she meant it, but that is how he heard it. My sister and I knew any more attempts at persuasion (no matter how medically correct) would be a waste of time. Good-bye doctor’s referral letter! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

So whats the next step? Well. They just opened up insurance enrollment. Which means I need to call the Mercy Medical Center and try to find someone who can tell me which insurance company would work best for my situation. Then begins another whole new world of stress and planning. But, I mustn't lose heart! 3-ish inches, Yana, remember 3-ish inches of gained height!!!

August 13, 2014: What To Do?

Its been over 2 years since the 2nd appeal I sent to Kaiser Permanente to get Dr. Edwards II to do my surgery in Baltimore was rejected. Apparently there are doctors in KP that can provide the same service as Dr. Edwards II. But that doesn't make sense to me, since I was told by my  KP doctor that he has never seen my condition before and the doctor they would get from California also has never seen my condition and they would be doing a vertebrectomy.

I am in a dilemma. I'm thinking of trying to get KP to reconsider my surgery with Dr. Edwards II. But I feel like that means I'm not trusting God to heal me all the way. I mean, He has healed my pain. Why wouldn't He heal the deformity as well?

So what do I do when the answer isn't obvious? I go to my mom, my rock. After a long talk I have decided to keep trying to get this surgery. Maybe God wants to heal me through surgery. And if not, then KP will keep denying my appeals.

So my first step is to reconnect with Dr. Edwards II and to get this ball rolling. Wish me luck!

August 13, 2014: My Image

No! Its the middle of August and I've only lost 10 pounds! Not enough to see a difference. *pout*
Still have 23 lbs left to lose to reach my goal.

Its always been a problem. Weight loss. I used to have fast metabolism and since I couldn't
exercise or run around because of my back problem, that metabolism was a huge blessing!
But as I got older (after high school) my metabolism slowed and the pounds slowly began to pack
on.

I've always been self-conscious of my body because of the square-shape my back forced me to have. And because my upper torso is pulled down I have a pile of skin around my waist that makes me look a bit overweight. So gaining weight was salt on an open wound. Its so hard to overcome that self-consciousness when I have 2 physically fit roommates.

But I must overcome it!! I hate constantly feeling down about myself.

How do I do that? In a world where I am constantly reminded about what the "perfect body" is. In a living space where its constantly shoved in my face by the presence of my roommates. Always exercising, always going for runs, always eating healthy. I really want to be healed. To feel better about myself. Yes, image isn't everything... but its still something...

April 24, 2014: Hiking 2014

That's right! I went on a 4 mile hike!! And guess what! Not a single amount of pain. Not during and not for a week afterwards! And that pain was slight. SWEET MERCY!!! Yet another miracle from God. He let me really enjoy Triple Falls Hike. I was constantly worried that my back was going to give out. BUT IT DIDN'T!!! WOO HOO!!! So I plan on finding more hikes to go on. :D Especially since its spring! OOO OOO! Mt. Rainier!! I will definitely have to go there soon!! XD

So let this post be an encouragement to anyone out there with Spondyloptosis (or any other painful conditions). There is hope that God can at least heal you enough to let you go on wonderful hikes and any other fun excursions! God bless!

April 24, 2014: God's Double Visit

Wow. I can't believe I posted almost a year and a half ago! I didn't imagine having so much come up in my life that it would deter from doing this. Can't let stuff get in the way...

Anyways. I thought that I should post about some amazing stuff that happened to me a few years ago.

April 2010-ish: My back pain had been continuous. Throbbing, pinching, numbness. Ug, it makes me shiver remembering the horrible moments trying to distract myself from the pain. One night, I was just laying in bed. Staring at the ceiling. I could feel my 4th Lumbar vertebrae uncomfortably sticking into my mattress, trying to find a soft spot in between the springs. *Sigh* Another day of back pain. Another night of rubbing the nerves in my legs to get rid of the pain. Black out, I was asleep. Suddenly I was drifting in Dream Land. Ah, Dream Land. A bittersweet place that sometimes provided good dreams or terrifying nightmares. And other times... strange shapes swirling in mixing colors... This night it was a terra of randomness. Nothing memorable or understandable. When out of nowhere this huge hand from heaven appeared and slapped my back. I woke up with a jolt! Full of energy and without a doubt I knew it was the Hand of God I started to pray. I just kept praying and praying and had an urge to wake up my mom so we could pray together. But I started to feel really bad at the thought of waking my mom up for possibly no good reason. The next few minutes of prayer were amazing. I could feel my back straightening! I could feel it moving up and my L5 vertebrae finally placing itself in its rightful place on top of my L4. I wanted to feel my back but was scared that it was all in my imagination. So I just kept on praying until I fell asleep. The next morning I got up really excited because I thought for sure that I was healed. My hand flew fro my lower back to feel it. Alas, I was not healed. I continued laying there in utter despair. Complete and utter sadness. How could I not be healed!? How could I not be healed after what I experienced!!? After a few moments of wretched silence I decided it was time to get up. Time to feel my nerves pinching and my back hurting from laying on one side too long. I slowly rolled out of bed. Hm. No pain... Ok, maybe its just because my brain hasn't caught up with me yet. I'll start feeling the pain anytime now. I walk to the bathroom and go through my daily routine of waking up... Still no pain! The energy just started to burst through me! I could do anything! I quickly run to my mom and tell her of the night that I had and I bend over to show that I could almost touch my toes! (A feat I haven't been able to do for many years!) Then I do something else I haven't been able to do in years! I run to our field and just start running in circles. Running! For about 15 minutes. And guess what? I didn't stop because of back pain. I stopped because my lungs finally gave up. Sweet glorious pain that didn't involve my leg nerves or my lower back. What a sweet sweet change for once!! My back didn't hurt like that for a little over a year. I played volleyball with no pain. Went on small hikes with no pain. The mall!! WITH NO PAIN!! Oh glorious day!


September 2012: Lying in my bed again. My back had started to hurt again. I felt weepy. How could I be feeling pain again? Back again to the achy mornings. Imagine feeling like a grandma practically every day of your youth! Sleep seemed to be my only true escape. So after a few minutes of finding a comfortable position, I finally was exploring more of Dream Land's weird areas. When again, a mighty hand came down and slapped my back. I woke up with a jolt remembering the same experience two years ago. I started to pray. This time I decided to wake up my mom and ask her to pray with me. I really didn't want to. But I was afraid that if I didn't then I wouldn't be healed. So I went upstairs, woke up my mom and told her what happened. She quickly got up and woke up my sisters and brother and asked if they could pray with us. So we went into our living room and we prayed for about an hour. I was sure that with this many people praying and the mystical hand visiting my dreams again, I would be healed for sure. But that didn't happen. Not even in the morning when I woke up. But this time I wasn't sad about not being healed. I was just happy I got a second visit from God. It gave me strength to continue believing that one day God will heal me.