Sunday, July 21, 2013

July 21, 2013: New Post

New post.

Can't believe its taking me this long to make a new post on here. But I guess its much easier since I was able to buy my own laptop. Woo hoo!

So, I feel that complete healing is imminent. Definitely imminent. Definitely coming. I'm very excited. I know the Lord has healing planned for me and I pray it will happen soon. Because I feel that complete healing is in the very near future I guess I should document the pain that I'm experiencing, and any ups and downs (which I seem to be going through a bi-polar fever).

In the past about 3 months, my back pain had begun to hurt more. In the lower region of my back it has felt like my muscles have given up. They no longer feel the power or energy to hold up my upper body. I constantly feel my ribs rubbing against the inside of my hip bones. Which is not entirely pleasant and makes me feel like I just want to lay down and get lost in the wonderful world of painless sleep. When my muscles become lazy sacks of tissue I tend to lean to my right side because leaning to my left would make the nerves in my spine to be pinched. So I look like a... well I guess I can't really describe what I look like since I never see myself. Must look like a Hollywood zombie. Anyways, the pain level in my leg increased, the intensity of the pain, not necessarily the amount of pain. Daily, my the pinching I felt in legs and the pressure in my lower back, would happen from the moment I woke up to about noon. I guess my muscles would finally wake up and my body grew strong enough to somehow ease the pain I was feeling. It would make it really hard to sit at work. Sometimes I would just sit there in pain not being able to concentrate on what I needed to do.

Its very hard. I can't believe it. I'm 23. I remember when I was 17. So sure that I would be healed by my 20's. I heard a sermon on June 9th, 2013 from a pastor named Levi Lusco from Montana (if I remember that correctly) and he made a really good point. Something that stuck to me after the morning service: IN ORDER FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN I MUST BE DOING THINGS AND LIVING MY LIFE FOR GOD AND NOT JUST EXPECT HEALING TO HAPPEN TO ME. I mean, I've always known that I can't do sinful things (lying, gossiping, etc) and expect God to heal me. And at that point of complete healing just be overwhelmed  and make a complete 180 turn from my sinful ways. That's just not how its going to happen. Yeah, maybe for several days. But eventually the rush of being healed will wear off and I will return to the human nature of sinfullness. I mean, I will still be EXTREMELY joyful about it, I mean I was healed! But sinful nature will come back to me. I heard somewhere that the farther we are in God's presence, the harder Satan is going to try to get us back into his twisted, sick world. And I'm not perfect nor will I ever be so I know that I will unintentionally come back. Just a little bit but still it'd be a toe on Satan's earth. All I can do is read the bible and continually pray and thank God that He is patient and caring with me.

So anyways, my back has been hurting badly for the past few months about 9am-12pm everyday. I've always had this huge fear of going to the gym or exercising because Dr. Reeder (my chiropractor since I was about 12) would warn me against excessive movement. (Note: I'm not blaming Dr. Reeder AT ALL he had never seen or heard of my condition before and was advising me with the best of his knowledge and past experience.) But he did tell me to do stretches (which I would do every now and then but stopped from the pain that emerged). My pain was constant. Rare were the times when I would be sitting/standing/walking and feeling no pain. Ah, those glorious moments were my drug. I craved for those moments and when I got them I would just bask in that moment and know that one day I would no longer feel like an old grandma and would run with the deer. Ha ha. Getting back to the point, lack of exercise = weight gain. I have gained, uncomfortable to admit it, 30 pounds since high school. That's 30 pounds in 5 years! I weep at that gruesome amount. But I guess that's what happens. I'd get depressed at my situation that I seem to be stuck in and I would eat and eat and eat and not exercise. I mean, I did experience those days of a sudden boost of energy and stamina and I would make plans to eat better and exercise at least a little bit. But then I would suddenly remember the sharp pain I knew I would have and straight down the gutter went my ambition.

I'm going to cut this short. So I finally asked my mom to get my a gym membership and decided to brave the treadmill and eliptical. 30 minutes on the treadmill to warm up, 30 minutes on the elliptical to battle my fat and 30 minutes on a bike (with a back rest) to let my back recuperate from the traumatic experience on the elliptical. Man, that last 8 minutes on the elliptical was like somebody was stabbing me with thousands of needles and trying to pull my spine into even more shambles. But I really wanted to finish the 30 minutes. I HAD TO!!! When I got off, my muscles were so sore and my back in spazzing pain that I barely made it to the bike to sit down. But I made it. Two days later I went to the gym and repeated the routine then again after 2 days. MY BACK PAIN BECAME PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT IN THE MORNING!!!! Praise God!!! Now granted, it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. Over-exerting my back like that. But I had great faith that God was going to help me with the pain. I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE TO DO THIS! I am blessed that this helped me. I would recommend for others with the same problems to do stretches and doctor-prescribed exercises. There was a month that I didn't go to the gym and the pain came back. So what I think it is, when I exercise I stretch out my hamstrings thus causing them to not be so tight.

God is all-powerful. He is merciful and kind. Yes, I have felt so disappointed and discouraged when I wake up in the mornings and am not healed. But even though I am extremely sad (and at times depressed about my situation) I will never lose faith. God can move mountains. He can certainly heal my back. I just need to prepare myself for when it happens. The way I am now, (shy and prefer not having attention on me) I know I probably will not give God all the glory He deserves and share with everyone what He has done for me. God bless you all and remember, with Him all things are possible. Even for you! Good night!